I have struggled with my identity in a variety of ways for a significant portion of my life which has resulted in being dissatisfied with the way I present myself visually. My work on sense of self has taken a lot of energy and thought over time and has become more relevant as I have progressed into self-employment as I am no longer strictly bound by societal rules on dress code.
Matching the inside and the outside
I have always been a creative person and have a desire to show this through the way I dress and present myself to the world. One way in which I have progressed on this journey has been with my gender identity, which has dramatically helped me to feel like my inside and outside match, but this isn't the end of the story. I have always been rather experimental in the way I dress and place an importance on my visual presentation as an extension of artistic expression.
The phases
I accept that I have been governed by the influence of others and societal expectations in terms of the way I dress. I know that as a child, I felt influenced to behave and dress in a typically feminine way despite not attaching myself to this as an identity. I desperately wanted for this to feel right and worked hard to be something I couldn't be. Identifying as a lesbian around the age of 14 was a revelation and opened up my view of how to present visually. As time passed, I felt less restricted by rules of femininity and explored a more androgynous presentation including being classified as 'emo' at university wearing mostly dark colours, DM boots, sweater vests and masculine shirts. I certainly also went through a 'hippy' phase in my 20s of barefoot, plenty of colour and free flowing materials. These phases are certainly distinct but what remains the same is that each style has been an expression of my mental health at the time. What strikes me now is that upon showing a new friend a photo of me from 10 years ago, they said "I know that's you, but you are more the real you now."
Being Elliot
So what is different now is that I have over the past 7 years been blessed by a wonderful experience. True love. Finding this has meant that my mental health has been much more level over time than ever before and I have had the freedom to explore my identity without familial pressures. With this new experience, I have the ability to embrace my truest self and be Elliot 100%. It was my choice to become Elliot and that in itself is hugely empowering, but within that there is also an uncertainty and wonderment about where that will take me. I have always been an analytical person and like to know where a process will be likely to lead; but with this, I have no idea. That feels a bit scary because it relies on trusting oneself and leaping into the unknown.
So what's next?
After some very interesting conversations with some wonderful people in my life, I have come to the conclusion that there are no rules. It is society that gives us the pressure and judgement and we do deserve better than this. We can give ourselves permission to present ourselves in whatever way we desire to best represent who we are. If this doesn't fit with the expectations of society, the gender binary, your parents or friends, it doesn't actually matter, because you will have a tribe who will love and accept the most real version of you. When we bring our truest selves to the world, that is when we are the most vulnerable but also show the most courage.
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. E E Cummings
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