Who are you? Where do you belong? And how do you know?
I have always had the feeling of being 'different' and someone who is outside the accepted norm for various reasons. As a child, I did a lot of watching other people and analysing their behaviours, the way they dressed and where they fitted in the world. I tried to figure out where I slotted in and kept drawing a blank. I envied people who had effortless style, great haircuts and self-confidence. Of course, we never know at first glance what lies behind the smile of that person but my perception during my youth was that they knew where they belonged and who they were. My utter lack of self-understanding and feeling of 'abnormality' had a detrimental effect on my mental health which continues to be a challenge at times. I have had some isolating times filled with darkness and lucky enough to have people during my life to keep hold of my hand to pull me back towards the light.
I started to embrace myself as a queer, neuro-diverse female who had a creative approach to clothing style and an eclectic range of hobbies from foreign verb conjugation to folk harp playing. By having an attitude of "why not?" I felt possibilities open up and my sense of identity solidifying piece by piece. Why not learn to play the sax? Why not go abseiling? Why not dye my hair blue?
Why not change my gender identity? Wait... what?
Honestly, I didn't see this one coming. When I was growing up, there weren't any social media channels to watch or follow transgender influencers. I didn't hear about people in the media who had this same experience so didn't understand it myself. So in the same year as I was getting married, I also looked in the mirror and saw a male person. And what is the best way to explain this to your beloved? There is no rule book, but equally I am not sure I chose the best method!
"If you were male, what name would you choose?"
So I became Elliot in 2018 and am blessed to have the love and acceptance of my wife, children and many other friends and family. This isn't likely to be easy for your loved ones, so my best advice is to be patient and keep communicating. This journey has served to make me realise that I wouldn't have found my true self without taking this leap into unknown territory and trusting my instinct. I accept that I am 'other'. I am trans-masculine and neurodiverse. I will never be a social majority, but the strength comes in using these experiences for good.
The self-portrait
In the pursuit to find my voice as an artist I recently realised I have never created a self-portrait. I want to capture something visually that describes this feeling of 'otherness' I have so often felt. I have so far created (today) a pencil drawing of a fawn like creature which has my face. I didn't plan this and instead let it appear on the page instinctively. This strong portrait looks right into your eyes and stands tall unashamed of their true self.
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